I have battled depression, anxiety and just feeling crappy for a LONG time. Like so long I don't know what it is like to not have those demons. DECADES of it. Well, I have learned that I will most likely always be battling those feelings to some degree, but I have got to stop the "funk" from taking over and spinning me out of control with my health.
I got a handle on my health about 2 1/2 years ago....then some things on the home front weren't so great and I just got sucked into a NASTY depression. And my health went down the drain with lots of other things.
I am an emotional eater, no doubt. When I get overwhelmed, I don't naturally dig my heals in and get myself out of the "hole". I just let myself sink further and further into the hole. Like I said, this is nothing new. I remember this starting to happen in my very early teen years.
But I don't talk about any of this. Uhmmmmm, like never. Do I want people to know about the dark places my mind has gone soooooooo many times? Do I want people to know that I can stuff THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of calories into my body in one day? Do I want people to know how I starved myself as a teenager? I really haven't wanted people to know this. But guess what.....
Every time that I hear someone else just open up and share something they have struggled with, it makes my heart jump. Not in a bad way or an anxious way....but in a way that makes me feel like I am not the only weird one out there! I have known I am not the only "weird" one...I'm not THAT dumb! But I just have always been envious of those who have been able to speak more openly about their struggles AND triumphs. So....this is my starting point.
I will start with what I am working on RIGHT NOW. My goals right now encompass physical health, mental and emotional health, focusing on working from home, being a better mom and running a more organized household. Am I trying to find perfection? NO!!!!!! I am trying to find balance. LONG TERM BALANCE. I am an extreme person. I tend to yo-yo with everything. So I need to take more baby steps to feel like I am making long term changes within myself that will stick!
So.......oh my gosh....this is soooooo hard and I am crying right now just thinking that I am going to do this. I am going to post my "starting point" pic. Oh, my heart is pounding.....here it is:
Ok....no turning back now. It's out there. This is the physical me that I hide every single day. This is the me that can't carry groceries up the stairs anymore without getting winded. This is the me that doesn't play soccer with my kids anymore. This is the me that is changing....changing into a healthier me. I don't want to hide. I don't want to be naked either!!! Haha!!! But I want to do daily activities with ease. I want to run and run and run with my kids again. I want to not constantly be taking "deep breaths" to deal with anxiety and my kids who at times drive me crazy bonkers. I want to zip up my damn winter coat!! I have refused to buy a new one and so for two winters now I have gone around in an unzipped up winter coat. Blah!
Now I am NOT doing this to have people tell me I am fabulous! Because guess what? I know I have fabulous-ness in my life all the time! I am doing this so that I don't feel like I am hiding. I am wondering if I don't "hide" if changes I make can have a more permanent hold in my life. I guess I have felt like it has been easy to let something go that was good....because nobody knew I was doing it anyway. I don't know if that makes sense or not....but I am just putting this out there so that I can KNOW that people KNOW I am doing things, better things, and that I need to stick with it gosh darn it!!
So that's it. This is the start of something new. This is me and My REAL Progress.
